I may have gotten a bit carried away with this, but, train rides are long, and I get easily distr OH LOOK THERE’S STILL A MINT MELTAWAY LEFT IN THE BOX OF CHOCOLATES I BOUGHT MYSELF ON VALENTINE’S DAY! AW YEAH
[Show starts. Seth MacFarlane walks out]
And now we pay respect to those who passed away this past year. What if I just started the show with the In Memoriam part? Like, wouldn’t that be such a downer? Nah I’m just kidding you guys, the in memoriam jokes will come later.
While the Oscars are known as the movies award; we also have some representatives here from the TV side. Obviously me, known for Family Guy, American Dad, and the Cleveland Show.
From one of the biggest hit shows on TV now is a representative from The Walking Dead.
Also representing TV from the show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, yes, that show is scripted and uses actors, including the one that plays Honey Boo Boo Child is Daniel Day-Lewis. Incredible job on that show man, incredible job. Can’t even recognize you on that show, you just disappear into the role. When you say a dollar makes you holla, I feel, I believe that if you saw a dollar, you would indeed holla.
Up for multiple nominations, including Best Picture and Best Original Screenplay, is Quentin Tarantino’s latest headache for history teachers: Django Unchained. Quentin, man, you are to bastardizing history what Steven Spielberg is to wars. You’ve done World War 2. You’ve done slavery. What’s next? The French Revolution? I can’t wait to see Samuel L. Jackson play French king Louis the 16th, he’ll make one hell of a royale. Quentin, the only person who does more damage to history is whenever Iranian President Ahmadinejad denies the holocaust.
[but seeing as how this is liberal Hollywood and not a congregation of political scientists, it’ll probably be more along the lines of this:]
Quentin, the only time more damage is done to history is whenever a member of the GOP opens their mouth and says something on camera.
Once again, it’s amazing to see the diversity of films represented, from spaghetti western to geriatric romantic drama to fantasy drama to historical musical. I have an axe to grind though, where’s the love for comedies? I mean, yeah, sure, Silver Linings Playbook is a “comedy” in the same way McDonald’s is “food.” But as a guy who made his mark making animated comedies, I’d love to see more love for them in the Best Picture category. And it’s not for want of quality either. Over the past year we saw Brave, 21 Jump Street, Ted, Wreck-It Ralph, Pitch Perfect, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, Moonrise Kingdom, Ted, ParaNorman, Safety Not Guaranteed, Mitt Romney’s Presidential Campaign [again, liberal Hollywood, gotta play to the audience], Ted.
Okay, so a movie about a grown man and his childish talking Teddy bear isn’t exactly as prestigious-sounding as a movie about Abraham Lincoln’s fight to outlaw slavery, but when you boil the other movies down to a sentence, they all sound kinda dumb too.
Amour: Old lady forgets where she last put her keys, for 2 freakin’ hours
Life of Pi: A really messed up version of Calvin & Hobbes
Silver Linings Playbook: The star of a young adult novel film adaptation and the guy who played the douchey character in The Hangover prove that, holy crap, they can actually act
Although, Ted is nominated in just one category: Best Original Song, for “Everybody Needs a Best Friend,” the song I wrote with Walter Murphy. But on the other hand, we’re up against Adele. For “Skyfall.” So, congratulation in advance, Adele and Paul Epworth. Over the past year Adele has become the Meryl Streep of music award shows. Streep, by the way, couldn’t be here tonight because she’s renovating her home to make room for more awards. Streep will be back with us next time when she stars as Abraham Lincoln in the sequel to ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,’ in which she’ll find a way to be brilliant and score another nomination. Hold on, I just want to mark off ‘mandatory Meryl Streep jokes’ on my awards show hosting checklist. It’s right here (show to camera) between ‘Spielberg makes a lot of movies about wars joke’ and ‘obligatory song and dance number,’ speaking of which, hit it!
[Begin inevitable Seth MacFarlene singing]
And Argo! What about Argo? Ben effin’ Affleck! What a transformation! How did he go from the guy in Gigli and Surviving Christmas to director extraordinaire? I haven’t seen a transformation this dramatic since whatever happened to Joan Rivers’s face.
Just a reminder, folks, please keep your acceptance speeches short and to the point, or else we’ll tell Liam Neeson you kidnapped his daughter. This applies especially to non-actors and people who aren’t as attractive as Jennifer Lawrence or Bradley Cooper. You work off-screen for a reason okay? Also, time is money. Keep that in mind when choosing who to thank in your allotted minute 15 seconds. You COULD be a cliché and thank your family, friends, blah blah blah, or you could remember who really matters: your agent, who got you this job and stuck with you even when your show about an animated New England family complete with talking dog and baby with an inexplicable British accent got cancelled for the 2nd time. In that spirit, I’d like to thank my agent…(agent appears). What are you doing here? You’re suppose to be throwing money at FOX executives until they pick up The Cleveland Show for another season! Go on! Get out of here! Get!
Our next performed has become a global superstar over the past 2 years, selling records and collecting accolades like there’s no tomorrow. Performing the song “Skyfall,” from, surprisingly enough, “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” here is Adele. Oh, also, to prepare you for some Adele, we will be providing you with complementary boxes of tissues. Let me clarify, Fred Willard, the tissues are for wiping you tears. I just forgot, there are kids in the audience right now. Oops. (smug look) Also, apologies to the home viewers currently enduring an awkward silence with their teenage children. Alright, without further ado, Adele.
Also some kind of gag where the camera keeps cutting to Tommy Lee Jones